You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
