If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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