someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize