there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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