hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
