im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
