I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
