I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
