I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
