'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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