My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
