do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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