Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize