My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
