I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Say something about gay babies.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
