you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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