he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
