It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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