I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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