eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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