i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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