How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
