But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't put those talents on a resume
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
