Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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