I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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