i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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