I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
