I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
