i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
