I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
