When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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