My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
