I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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