you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Bring me that man meat
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
