Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
