It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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