She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
