Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
