You smell like stripper and shame
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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