everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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