if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
