totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
