i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
