i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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