Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
