The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize