Apparently you make a good broom.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
