I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
