Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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