Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
