I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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