fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
