Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
