I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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