dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
