Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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