I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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