Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
