I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
