My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
