I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
