All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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