My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize