My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
